A Recovering People Pleaser
My level of people pleasing has been destructive in the past. I’d like to say now I’m on a healthier side of people pleasing - still not completely healthy, as there can be relapses.
One of the reasons switching to part time has helped is I’m not capable of not giving my heart and soul to every person who walks in my space. While I love that about myself, when I did it over 20 times a day (sometimes upwards of 50), I began to fracture. Eventually those fractures came to fill the majority of me. And so I’d have two whole days (the weekend) to put myself back together. I became resentful of the people who asked time of me on those two days - whether friends or family. As an introvert it really didn’t matter who.
I notice I seek relationships with those who have iron-clad boundaries - something I desperately want to possess, but look more akin to a flame from a match than my husband’s wildfire.
Every single interaction I had during the day was one more resentment I locked away because the word “No” was locked up so tight it couldn’t see the light of day. The need to be liked, valued, respected was so all-consuming I was drowning in fear. If I say “no” this one time, they can’t validate me. And since I certainly don’t have enough self-worth, others would have to be the ones to validate me. But because I possessed such little self-worth, the need for validation was constant. 50 interactions a day wasn’t enough to satisfy it.
I knew I needed a massive break. These kinds of things don’t just go away on their own. Thankfully, I had a supportive therapist and a husband who wanted me to be healthy. But there people in my life who weren’t. So, as a recovering people pleaser, I cut them off. Or over time I put up such strong boundaries they weren’t allowed on my island. Essentially, if I felt someone wasn’t supportive of my changes that were clearly for the better, I decided to cut them out of the Board of Advisers going on in my head. I had to remind myself hourly, “They aren’t interested in you becoming healthier, so they don’t get a say.” There were months even still lost to the worry of what those people who didn’t truly care about me thought.
The one thing I kept repeating in my head was a mantra my therapist helped me start, “Nick is the most important person to me. So let the rest go.” At the beginning that’s what I said to myself when I got in my car at the end of the work day - when I couldn’t switch workaholic Nowelle off. Then it became what pulled me out of others’ opinions about me. Don’t get me wrong; not every spouse needs to have that level of influence. They have to have earned it. And Nick has proven over and over again he wants what’s best for me. Even if it looks scary to what’s best for him at the moment, he has seen life is so much better off with a healthy partner.
As he is the person I feel safest around, he is the one I have tested out my healthier level of wanting to make those around me happy. I do not shy away when there is something that needs addressed. I may do that behind closed doors, but I don’t let it go if it’s something that will cause destruction or stagnate our relationship. I have asked him to do the same.
I suggest deciding:
Who are the most important people to you?
Have they shown a great level of responsibility in the past towards you (your physical/mental/emotional/spiritual health)?
If not, while they may be important to you, that should be a warning bell. They get demoted from your Board of Advisers. The things they say may still hurt for a while, but they haven’t proven they can handle your wellbeing.
If they have shown a great level of responsibility but they’ve messed up some - remind yourself, you’ve messed up too. Give them grace. If it’s a bad season in that person’s life, maybe then isn’t the time they get a say. You still need boundaries around every relationship.
Lastly, if that person didn’t get past the first question of being most important to you, they aren’t even up for consideration in your thoughts. Start by replacing the thoughts of what they think about you with what your Board of Advisers think about you (you’re replacing a really bad thought with a bad one, but it will still allow you to gain a little better perspective). Eventually you will be able to replace thoughts of what they think about you with telling yourself it isn’t important what they think.
One more note: You do need boundaries around every single relationship in your life. Yes, even partners. If you don’t, their bad day becomes your bad day. No one should get the power to turn your emotions in to their own. When I started trying to make that designation, I had to ask myself, “Is this their emotion or mine I’m feeling?” It was really helpful, because even if it just started out as rational thought, the more mindful I became the more I could shut it off. The language you have with yourself matters.
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Resources*:
The Art of Saying NO by: Damon Zahariades
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