Cultivating Authenticity

For those not familiar with the enneagram, I highly recommend familiarizing yourself with the material for self-awareness and understanding other relationships in your lives. It has been one of the top techniques that turned my marriage from failing to good to great.

As an enneagram three, one of my struggles is cultivating authenticity. Depending on what person I’m around I can have subtle differences. I say it’s a struggle, because to the outside observer (like my husband) I come across as a liar. Three’s have this innate chameleon ability, and while it’s wonderful when you love being liked, it’s terrible if you have to be around a large number of people. Imagine morphing 40 times a day because you’re around 40 people. You start to lose the sense of who you are deep down. Before I lost my singing voice in February 2020, I even didn’t know what my own voice sounded like as I had the ability to imitate based on whose song I was singing.

As a three, alone time is crucial. It’s the only way I get 100% authentic Nowelle. My husband is now granted with my authentic presence one-on-one (not exaggerating, it probably took 7 years of being together). In a large group, I have a few coping mechanisms as an introverted three: (1) I focus on the safe people (the ones I undoubtedly know accept me as me) around me, (2) I barely speak (after all I’m bound to make someone upset with sharing an opinion with that many people in one room), or (3) I become the “life of the party” - flitting around to different people and/or groups so I can handle the audience size. It’s exhausting.

It’s unconscious. It’s so second nature after I leave social occasions, Nick will say to me, “I forget you’re a 3.” Translated, “You became such a different version of you tonight, I didn’t see my wife.”*

*Side note: Not to be misconstrued with reading between the

lines as I’ve been guilty of doing. This was after talking a situation

out. I have since stopped hearing what isn’t said. Thank you therapy.

While some may see three’s as a liar, honesty is one of the #1 things that are most important to me. If I don’t agree with something, you can bet I’ll either quietly question the viewpoint in a way it seems I’m trying to have a deep intellectual conversation or I’ll nod along.

Here’s the danger in nodding along, saying, “Yeah” or “Okay.” My chameleon-ability is so strong, the person I’m with usually interprets it as agreement. That’s usually me keeping the peace, but I kick myself after that conversation. Why? Because I wasn’t authentic Nowelle. I was letting them talk in my mind, and yet I’m doomed because it was read as agreement and in some cases to things I couldn’t be more opposed. There’s a deep fear of rocking the boat, but if you know your audience wants or needs honesty and not “Southern charm,” you’ll get honesty.

One thing that is helpful for me with cultivating authenticity is remembering the things I stand for most and not letting my three-ness drown those out.

  1. If someone asks me a direct question, I will be authentic, brutally if necessary. If they’re offended, it’s their fault; they shouldn’t have asked.

  2. I will not let someone put themselves down in my presence without lifting them up. Poor self-confidence is an epidemic that needs squashed.

  3. You will not speak of someone I love poorly. I will stand up for them (even if it’s in a kind and calm manner as it’s my nature) and stop associating with you promptly.

While it’s a struggle, it’s something I learn more about myself daily from the situations I am in. It helps me to know when I’m triggered and how to respond in a non-shameful or regrettable way. I have accepted that I am always striving to be my best, and many times that includes going against my people pleasing nature.

As I’ve been working in therapy on shrinking my people pleasing nature, it’s difficult because that’s such a deep sense of who I am and it’s ingrained in to my enneagram type.

The core desire of a three: “having high status and respect, being admired, successful, and valuable.” The more I work on changing my definition of success, building rapport with myself - which includes respect-building, self-admiration, and learning my value from God - the more I can fulfill that desire internally. That also means I naturally people-please less, because I’m not looking to fulfill that desire externally. It’s a wonderful place to live.

Tip: Brace yourself. When you’ve spent your whole life as the go-to person due to people pleasing, you will let a lot of people down, because you spent years creating unrealistic standards to live up to for yourself. Remember, that is now an expectation. If those people cannot accept the changes you’re making and that you’re trying to be healthier, you may want to seriously consider whether they deserve to be in your life. Also, keep in mind, the death of the people pleaser within is a slow one.

Resources*:

  1. The Road Back to You by: Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile

  2. The Path Between Us by: Suzanne Stabile

  3. Becoming Us by: Beth & Jeff McCord

  4. More than Your Number by: Beth & Jeff McCord

    *As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

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