Anxiety & Surrender
In 2020 my world collapsed. Every façade I had in place to give me the illusion of control crumbled.
Being sent home for five weeks from work, while some would say was wonderful, did NOT start that way.
The first day I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t sleep because I was so worried. I was anxious because:
Since I graduated chiropractic school I’d been the primary breadwinner. (And thankfully I have a husband that wasn’t emasculated by that.) I felt helpless, because I wasn’t contributing.
I privatized my student loans 6 months prior, meaning I was ineligible for deferral. Those student loan payments totaled $2,246.38 per month at that time. I had a few people who were so encouraging: “You got the extra stipend though, right?” Not a lot of people seemed to understand the amount I received in unemployment per month plus the extra money even totaled my student loan payments.
I had NEVER not had my time occupied. I moved from activity to activity, and in some cases, addiction to addiction. When I started to feel tired because of my unsustainable activity level, I would caffeinate to compensate.
I had become so accustomed to helping others by seeing them and talking to them, I was worried for all the people who were in pain. I went in to work to call all my patients and take them completely off the schedule as it turned from a two week quarantine to indefinite. I remember crying leaving the office that day, because so many told me the pain they were in. I so badly wanted to help but feared losing my license and being completely stripped of my ability to help.
Upon deeper reflection, I didn’t know how to rest. That was what my anxiety at that time boiled down to. For so long, I had “control” of my future. And it was stripped from me. I had nothing to turn to to numb the pain and sense of loss/grief that consumed me.
…
That first day of quarantine I got an email with a Bible study that would take place over the next 14 days. The passage for that particular day? Matthew 5:25-34:
Do Not Be Anxious
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[p] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
…
For those who have not evidenced the Universe work in mysterious ways AND with perfect timing: here’s your sign.
I can’t say I listened immediately… That first day I had a game plan. Set up my pod for those we could be around so we could continue CrossFit and socializing, re-landscape the yard (wait two weeks on that so my parents could help and both have autoimmune diseases), build a back patio (as I spent every single day outside for a minimum of two hours every morning), catch up on my Bible studies daily with my outside time.
Life was great as I busied myself to the point of where I was before taking a break from work.
But something about that passage kept speaking to me…and tugging at my heart. It was God, continually knocking and repeating, “I’m repurposing this situation. I’ve got you. I’m proving it to you. All your needs are provided for. That extra amount from the government was me. Surrender. Surrender. Surrender.”
That re-landscaping was the final straw. A little backstory - my most hated home improvement task is painting. Second to that is landscaping. It was the final straw because I realized if I could look at that task as a carrot, something to look forward to, something was seriously wrong. It was me getting caught in hurry sickness. Just because I didn’t have a job, that didn’t mean I wasn’t creating a job out of my house.
And that’s when I knew. I knew I could no longer outrun my addictions, workaholism being the forefront of those.
Enter: EMDR therapy, and the RIGHT practitioner thanks to my mother-in-law’s guidance.*
*In case you’re not aware,
not all health care providers
are created equally. Ask around
or do your research to find the right one.
