Forgiveness and Relationships
To date, I think forgiveness may be the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. I say attempted because I still feel like an amateur.
Forgiveness should be given freely to not only those who have hurt me and my loved ones, but also myself. I didn’t realize until going through therapy that not everyone is as hard on themselves as I am on myself. I can berate myself for every action possible. And when I do a good job? Well, that’s just an expectation. No kudos for that; just keep going.
With that propensity to be hard on myself comes a greater expectation for those I am around. Without realizing it, no one could meet my standards. When someone failed at something that was important to me, there was no forgiving and moving on. Instead it was then a laundry list of the small things I’d overlooked. If they borrowed some of my meticulous notes and forgot to give them back, that was another strike. (I wish I was kidding.) Every possible mistake became a reason for why they shouldn’t be allowed in my life.
Now, even though I still would say I have high expectations, they are more down to earth. When someone forgets we were supposed to meet up for coffee, there’s no list. I can quickly turn that into a, “Well good thing I came. I’m glad I was able to make that barista smile when she was so clearly down today.” When someone forgets they borrowed a book of mine, I simply realize that book must be serving them more in a different way, and I got everything I needed out of it. Again, no addition to the list because there is no list.
Living from this space feels like freedom. I can truly appreciate others for their strengths, and the “weaknesses” are just quirks that make the person unique.
The self-talk I hold space for now is more positive as well. I know the relationships I have are chosen bidirectionally, now. I realize that others take my quirks in stride to choose to hang around with me. I am accepting imperfection, because if perfection is the goal, forgiveness isn’t possible.
What I have learned from the many books on forgiveness I devoured:
Self-love makes forgiveness possible.
Talk to yourself as you would a close friend.
You can’t force it. Forgiveness is something that’s allowed.
Unforgiveness only hurts you.
When you’re not forgiving someone, you’ve made them too special in your life.
Unforgiveness will be manifested somewhere in your body if it goes unchecked.
My favorite books* on the topic:
Forgiving What You Can't Forget by Lysa Terkeurst
Try out her journal as you read for deeper study/application
*As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
