Self-Flagellation
Why do we have support groups for those abused by others, but none for those who mentally abuse themselves? Why is negative self-talk and refusal to accept compliments because our self-worth is so low not only socially acceptable, but expected?
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What happens when you’ve been abused for so long, in order to get an expected stimulus - we turn into our own worst abusers? It’s sad to think about, but it’s a true phenomenon:
“Social psychologist Bill Swann argues that people want to be known by others according to their firmly held beliefs and feelings about themselves — a model known as “self-verification theory.” That is, they want their self-views to be validated because it helps to provide a sense of stability in their lives. His research shows that even people who make strong negative evaluations of themselves follow this pattern. They seek to interact with others who dislike them, so that their experiences will be more familiar and coherent.” -Kristin Neff in Self-Compassion
Considering every previous poor romantic relationship I had attracted in to my life, I would say as painful as the above passage is, my life validated it. And then once I got the person I “didn’t feel I deserved,” I sabotaged it.
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So how do we break free of this cycle?
First step: Mindfulness. Being aware of the present moment.
To stop a car from crashing, you have to notice the car is out of control or notice the vehicle stopped ahead of you. It sounds silly, but we do it all the time unconsciously.
The next time someone says, “Wow your hair looks great today,” and you say, “Oh I really didn’t do much. I’m too lazy to fix my hair,” NOTICE you just deflected the compliment.
Second step: Self-compassion.
Think to yourself, even if it feels forced, “Maybe your hair does look great today. Would this person lie to you?” That shifts your negativity to curiosity.
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Even just practicing these two steps over and over can become a habit.
For me, that looked like meditating for two full years before I became aware of my self-destructive tendencies. It took me two full years to see I hated my job and practice bravery enough to do something about it, instead of sulk and wonder why I was miserable.
Then after those two years I could contemplate, “Why am I being self-destructive?” I realized there was a sense of loathing underneath it all. I didn’t like myself. I just spun in circles and addictive patterns long enough I didn’t have to face that reality. Still to this day as soon as I get tired I gravitate towards coffee, because I feel tired Nowelle is not the best version of Nowelle. And everyone around me needs to get the best me. What if that “best me” is really a lie? If I’m drifting to coffee to make myself a better version, than the version I have defined of me doesn’t truly exist. It exists with performance enhancement.
I decided to make a list of all the things I liked about myself, because love was too strong of a term and it felt inauthentic at the time. I came up with a full list and still felt nothing. I could see the logical proof that everything I liked outweighed everything I didn’t like, but it wasn’t enough. Even a pro con list that has a larger number of pros does nothing to sway the mind when the cons are screaming and the pros are whispers.
Thankfully, I was able to break through in an EMDR session I targeted towards learning self-compassion, enough to find someone who did love me: God. I realized if someone could love me, that would make me lovable. That day and the next, I felt a calm inside I had never experienced.
I started to question: how can I turn the love God has for me into a love I have for myself? I went back to my list and decided to meditate on each of those items. It was my longest self-led meditation to date: 20 minutes. I went through my list over and over until I felt within my very soul that I did have gratitude and love for those items.
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Even if it’s slow going, the journey is worth the end result. Living with self-compassion is living in the light, with freedom from abuse that NO ONE deserves.
Resources*:
Gabby Bernstein resources, including daily meditations
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