Body Dysmorphia
Body love is a tricky thing.
It used to just be the neighbors and coworkers you could compare yourself to. And at that time there were probably still abundant insecurities.
My two main sources of fitness are running and CrossFit. Now with social media I can compare my body with other runners and CrossFitters across the globe. And let me just tell you, I don't fit either mold. I'm not thin enough for it to be obvious I'm a runner or muscular enough for it to be obvious I'm a CrossFitter.
Because I don't believe in putting myself in a box, I can recognize it feels freeing that there is no box I fit in to.
Pre-therapy Nowelle struggled with orthorexia: an eating disorder which is an obsession of consuming healthy things. I didn't realize how easy it was for me to fall in to until I got a nutrition coach. The basics were - count your grams of carbs, fat, and protein for the day. During this time we also did CrossFit for 1.5 hours/day. I saw improvements quickly. We had to cut back on our expenses because I lost my income briefly due to the COVID-19 quarantine protocols. That meant eating only at home, using the veggies we got weekly from the farmers market, and cutting out superfluous expenses like snacks (which mainly involved processed foods). I lost 18 pounds over the span of 6 months. The most incredible part of that was it still remains the longest I haven't weight cycled afterwards - 10 pounds gained over one month, 10 pounds lost the next month. And it was all fat loss, so I started to love how my body looked. I gained muscle and still lost multiple percentage points of fat.
However, as an intense person, when I have a little progress I can get obsessed with seeing even more progress. I started to get anxiety about entering my foods in to MyFitnessPal. I felt down on myself if I didn't hit my percentages perfectly of each food type. I actually started to fatigue quicker because I went for the "easy" sources of carbs the more tired I became of tracking foods - that might include two large bowls of watermelon every day. Fructose is a sugar my body has trouble metabolizing so I was making it harder on myself. But I had to hit my goals…
One whole week I became so tired I was barely able to work out and couldn't bring myself to enter my foods to meet with my nutrition coach. My energy slowly ticked up a notch. Now I was also deeply in burnout at the time, so it wasn't all the tracking and foods to blame.
I would skip a couple days of tracking and take a couple more rest days per week, and my energy level, while still low, was now tolerable. That's how I came to intuitive eating - not tracking, instead listening to my body and what it felt like eating at the time. My weight still maintained and my distribution of it was still pleasing to me.
I quit tracking my foods altogether, only resuming when marathon training (3 years later) for a few weeks to ensure I was getting enough carbs to fuel the exercise level I maintained. I stopped weighing myself. I probably get on the scale once every six months. At the time I was tracking, I had to stop myself from weighing in more than once a week.
I came to realize: I demand a lot of my body, and being obsessed with what goes in it is not treating it well. There are absolutely foods I should stay away from since I have food sensitivities, but the obsession of it was causing more stress on my body. If I wanted it to continue to perform at a high level, maybe I should start listening to what it was asking of me. One thing it asked was that I love my body AS IT IS.
Now, that still can be hard to do when my weight is up by even two pounds (because yes I can tell that difference by looking in the mirror and don't need to see it on the scale). But then I remind myself, you work really hard. Maybe your weight is up because you've pushed it too hard - your inflammation may be up. You may have had some hidden source of dairy in your foods yesterday so it's causing you to bloat. Bottom line I give my body grace and love it whether it maintains or fluctuates.
While I know this isn't an easy task, I work hard to get the body I have. I might as well enjoy every piece of it.
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