The Truest Version of Me
I finally have the language for why EMDR has been so beneficial to me.
It has allowed me access to the child I used to be - the girl who was unapologetically herself, before the world told her who to become. Before thinking of others.
That girl was fierce. She didn’t smile unless you really earned it. She was cripplingly introverted. She was intuitive - able to pick up on if you were the person you portrayed on the outside - and if you weren’t she didn’t trust you. She had an inner knowing, a gut sense that was always right. She was solemn, reserved. She loved very few people - but loved and defended them intensely. She loved learning, observing. She didn’t like talking unless she had something important to say. She was an artist - a writer, actress, singer, dancer. She loved creating stories and entirely new realms in her imagination. She loved solitary activities - unless her brother was involved. But even then the observer came out. She was brilliant. She was patient.
But that little girl was born a preacher’s daughter. Unfortunately from the moment I was born I was expected to set an example. Considering I represented things that didn’t embody “social norms,” being expected to behave in ways that weren’t the true me were early mandates.
The first expectation I can remember is talking when I didn’t want to. The next was smiling when I would have rather stayed solemn, as was my nature. The next was damping down my intuitive sense. When you didn’t like someone in the church or downright resisted them because something in your gut told you they were doing bad things, and yet you couldn’t prove it - you had to smile to keep up pleasant appearances. Shove down your feelings about them and put on a mask that said nothing in the world was possibly wrong.
I understand the purposes behind all these expectations, however it started to teach me some of my fundamental characteristics weren’t to be trusted. That made me feel untrustworthy. That seed of doubt made me question every last characteristic that made me unique.
I realized somehow my life would be easier if I blended in. Easier on my parents, to make friends, on society in general.
EMDR opened up the window to that inner child. It opened up a line of communication with God, who told me, “You are wonderfully and perfectly made. I made no mistakes.”
The calm I feel now is a direct reflection of the bridge I’ve built to my inner child self. I love that version of me, the true Self. I become more peaceful the closer I become to that Self.
I laugh more and louder. I have more joy and peace in my heart. I have more patience towards others. I’m slowly realizing that child wouldn’t have the chance to become an adult if it wasn’t for that bridge (EMDR). I would have gone through life - a version of myself the world was okay with. But to hell with the world. This is MY story.
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